Sleepless Night

I could sleep at all last night. I remember when I brought the kids home from the hospital, I could not sleep for days.. I just had that fear that if I fell asleep something would happen to them. They needed my constant watch.. Probably hormones, I'm sure.....: )

Yesterday brought back that feeling. This is the weekend Tom has the kids, and yesterday the apt above his was gutted in a fire and unfortunately a man lost his life.. My mind is filled with horrible thoughts and worry.. What if the fire occurred last night instead of yesterday afternoon?? It's inconceivable... I have to be honest and put what is really bothering me....

Yesterday morning I woke up early and realized I locked my keys in my car.. It made for a crazy morning..I woke Kallyn up too early and she was crying. I told her to go back to bed before she woke up Todd. So she continued to cry and not go to bed. I scolded her and hurt her feelings.. It was a mad dash to get to work.. Todd had to take me early so he could get to work on time. That also meant we had to take Kallyn to the neighbors so they could take her to school.. She cried because she wanted me to take her.. She was so upset with me.... Her dad picks her up from school on his weekends... What if that was the last time I saw her? I would be living with soo much pain.. From now on I am not going to take things for granted, or people for granted. I need to slow down and take in things around me.. Life only happens once.. You can not have do overs...I have made so many parenting mistakes. I just hope that the kids look back with fond memories of all we did together.. Thank you God for watching over them.. and thanks for all that I have...thanks for all the great things in my life...like last night.. I called tom and told him that I would not accept his child support this month.. honestly he is displaced and his needs are quite larger then mine...after hanging up the phone..Todd smiled at me and said.." Good job mommy, you did the right thing"....My heart melted..thank you God for our Todd....

Blessings

This blog will most likely be deleted but I if you know me then you know I'm not too good at keeping my emotions in... Life was hard , the details are unimportant at this time.. I moved to Tx .

Life got rougher trying to make on my own. I reached out to a friend. An old friend. Not really expecting anything. What I received in return was complete support and compassion. Someone who stepped up to the plate to help me and the kids. Keep us safe and happy. Honestly it takes a special kind of person to take on someone else's burdens and trials He did it with a smile on his face ..never wavering in his support. A bachelor willing to give his all to a single mom with two kids, one with aspergers syndrome. What kind of person does this? Not anyone I could have ever imagined . I honestly don't deserve all the blessings he has given me. I feel whole again. Part of something bigger. I felt invisible for years. Now I smile everyday. I think I know my purpose now. Someday I will help women who were in my situation. I want to give back what I have given. Thank you. You know who you are..

Dec 2011

Dear T & K

It's been a long time since I posted. Life can get crazy at times, especially with moving, new schools, holidays...the list goes on.. You both have started new schools. Kallyn you are sailing right through making new friends and loving it. Tommy you are struggling a bit more. It's been such a tough year for you. I hate that so much. You are such a brilliant kid. My math super genius. Your amazing in so many ways, that you just don't realize yet. I am so very proud of you.

We are all rebuilding our lives and it's not been easy. But we love each other and that is what is most important. It's good to feel alive again.. I know that time and love heals everything. Life is certainly back on track for us all. I love you more everyday! Mom

My special girl

Dear K,

You are turning 6 in two days!!! Wow ..that was so quick... I love you so much...I am going to tell you what I do every year when your birthday arrives..You see, you were born during Hurricane Katrina..it was a horribly tragic time..So many people were lost.. I can't help but think of all those babies that were born in that area during that time who did make it through..So every year on your birthday I pray for those babies and their families and I thank God cause I am lucky to have you..
You bring so much fun into my life.. You are so easy going.. I love that... Your my special girl..my angel... So proud of you, handling everything that comes your way with courage and confidence.. I actually need to be more like you.. I love the way you take care of everybody around you.. I just comes naturally to you.. I love your beautiful soul Kallyn.. Always remember that I love you today and I will love you even more tomorrow. Mom

Slideshow for my Kallalilly

Another free slideshow by Smilebox

Dear K,

I can not believe you will be turning six in a few weeks AND starting Kindergarten next week. Time really flew..I want those years back..I love you more then anything..I will miss taking you to work with me everyday..I will feel empty..lost without you singing songs in the back of my car as we drive to work...butting into my cell phone conversations as I drive...I love you more and more everyday and will love you even more tomorrow. my love..my Kallalilly...

A Whole New World

Dear T & K,

This is the hardest blog ever....Life has changed. Your dad and I are no longer married. We are on our own in our place near the cemetery in Wylie..Hope when you read this someday you can look back on this with good memories. Hope you look back and say it was a hard time but we made it. Hope you look back and say wow my parents really love me. Nothing that you did caused the marriage to end. After 16 years things changed.. Times were tough and feelings changed. it's not ugly.. we are still a united front working together to parent you. You are loved more then you know. Communication is good and really life is good- we laugh, we struggle, but we got this...cause we got each other.. we have friends and we are loved and that's all we need right now...love you...

Jeanne & Harry

Jeanne and Harry- your great grandparents..wow, the stories I have to tell you..lol
I spent my years growing up living in their home. They were the funniest people I ever met. Jeanne had quite the sense of humor and was known to tell a dirty joke or two, although if you saw her sitting in the pew at First Baptist you would think she was an angel. She was quite a gem, with sparkling eyes and a big smile. She was actually the bread winner in their family for many years after Harry retired. She worked very hard for GMAC and loved it. She died my senior year of high school in 1992 , shortly after our house burned down. That was a really hard time. I will share my biggest regret in life.. the last words I said to her.. I was getting ready to leave and she was staring blankly at my face,I was kind of annoyed at this and asked harshly why are you staring at me..after repeating this, she snapped out of her little 'trance' which was actually a mini stroke- and said because your so pretty. I left a few minutes later and with in the hour she went into a coma..I can't write this without crying..I really wish she was here to meet you guys, to help me through this divorce, to make us laugh...
As for Harry,
I just can't help but smile when I think of him..he became crippled as a child and forced to quit school in the 6th grade..yet he helped me with all my college math.. He was amazing. He was literally the arm chair general in the first Gulf war..watching the news ..monitoring all his troops. I remember going in everyday after school to get an update on the battle.. Even when I was in college, I used to curl up in his lap in his recliner. He passed away in September of 1999. Tommy, you were born just two months later. I was so sad he never got to meet you. He was so super excited at my baby shower that June. You are the first grandchild in our family..and well, the first boy for him..he only had a daughter, and me and my sisters for grand kids. He bought your stroller and car seat. That meant so very much to me..I have a million stories to tell and lots of time to tell them... Remember family is important, really they are all you got. I love you T & K. so proud of you. We are weathering this storm so well together..